Sunday, October 31, 2010

Needing to catch my breath

Well, I see I haven't been missed much. Not one follower. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but I always am. Wanting to be accepted is part of why humans do what they do. I am no different.

Things are pretty much the same old, same old. Go to work, come home, repeat. I keep hoping for a positive change, but so far no such luck. I feel as if I am living my life in reverse. I had the good paying job, vacations and all the things one works a lifetime to achieve. But here I am in my mid 40's with a new house (which I really don't want in a city that I hate) and my poor husband working 3 jobs to pay for it. WTF! What exit did I take to make all this ass backwards, I guess I really want to know.

Just got home from a Halloween get together where I felt I didn't quite belong. When I was young, I wasn't known as the popular one, the smart one or even the athletic one. I was lucky to have one person who would put up with me and call me a friend. My best friend now is my husband, for which I would never in a million years change that. We are two peas in a pod. We have people in our lives that I would call friends, but when we all get together, sometimes this overwhelming feeling comes over me that makes me feel as if I cant breathe. There is this wall that surrounds me and I find myself turning inward in isolation, while the festivities around me continue. I feel as if I am an outsider looking in. I see the looks in my friends eyes of pity and I know I don't belong. I cant wait for the evening to end so that I can regroup and take a breath. The feeling is worse than thinking you are a third wheel. I already know that I AM a third wheel and question why these people want me to join them. I guess I am too straight laced, boring and narrow minded for most. But I continue to try to convince myself that I am just like everyone else that I can fit in. That I am special and have a lot to offer other people. Nights like tonight remind me that I am not special and I don't have much to offer compared to others. Such is the way it goes I gather...... off to bed, work beckons.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Another year older...

Well, yesterday was my 47 th birthday. I used to look forward to my "special day" with such enthusiasm. I worked at jobs where I was able to take the day off "just for me day" I love birthdays because it is the one day of the year that is exclusively your holiday. I know you share it with a bunch of other people but it is "your day" I tell people that I really am a 4th of July baby (cuz its my favorite holiday!) but that I was too lazy to come out for another 3 weeks!

Last year I started a job 10 days before and I didn't want to ask for time off. It was the only time in my life where I worked my birthday. I waited until the end of the day and turned to the woman who sat behind me and said " Today is my birthday" for which she loudly exclaimed "What! you worked all day and didn't say a word to anyone that it was your birthday" I sheepishly smiled and went home. Couldn't tell you what I did, it was so memorable.

This year I decided to take another day off next week so that I can go to the Ventura County Fair and be white trash or as I like to be referred to as a dirt track date! I headed off to work to find my desk decorated with purple and hot pink streamers. Another person who decorates made sure to get my date on her calendar and I think she has been waiting for her opportunity to make up for last years empty desk! It seemed like every time I walked away something else showed up on my desk. First, it was flowers , then a present, then a card, cupcakes, more cards it was awesome and a bit overwhelming. I didn't think that people liked me much, since I hardly talked to anyone the first 6 months I worked there. I went to lunch with my walking buddies and again, a present then another present. I honestly was dumbstruck by the generosity of these people. I often think of myself as a pain in the ass, but they must know something that I don't because they showed me such affection. I really don't like when people fake it, ya know, like they are doing it more for them than showing you how much you are honored and how much you mean to them. Those kind of people I feel sad for because they really shouldn't bother if they don't mean it. Why waste the energy? For both of us, ya know? This was not that type of group.

After a bunch of hugs and well wishes I headed for home. Dinner with my hubby and the dog, then a chance to sit at the beach was my plan. The beach was really cold so we headed home. I wanted to round up everyone for a night of Karaoke, but canceled as it wasn't working out the way I had envisioned. I heard my phone ring and then ring again. On my phone was one of the Karaokers who was at the Golden China ready to party. My husband brings his phone to which my friend has sung Happy Birthday and was demanding I show up. I was ready to crawl into bed and call it a night, satisfied that my day was awesome.

We went to Karaoke. My other friends the musicians have been in Tacoma on tour and were headed home and they had texted me asking for my address to mail something to me. Lo and behold THEY SHOWED UP! I almost wet myself with shock when they walked in. They drove 16 hours to get there just for me. I still cant believe it. Really? For me? Yep. If I didn't go sing, they were coming to my house! God I have some unbelievable friends. I will be able to tell you what I did for this birthday because it was one amazing ride, with a cast of characters that would blow your mind.

The most unbelievable part- They all did it for me. Wow, what a life...

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Following the Trail.....

I know, I know, I have been absent for awhile. I will try to do better. Time keeps slipping through the hourglass much more quickly than I realize.

Whats new? Well the fountain out front is up and the screens have finally been repaired. Yes, the dog still stays on a rope tied to the tree in the back. Still don't trust him not to destroy the repair work. I have not gotten around to tackling the garage. I guess I really don't want to know about all the crap I moved and should not have! LOL. So most of our stuff is still in the garage in a box. We will need to work on that too I guess.

My biggest issue that has been and continues is the ants. Living near open fields all kinds of critters seem to show up, but the ones I am fuming over is the black stream of flowing ants. I really, really hate ants. I feel all itchy and they freak me out. When they are on the outside, not so bad but inside that is a different story. I have spent a fortune on ant traps (which they proceed to run over and under and around) ant spray and dicroic acid. That seems to work the best but not the most pet friendly. I was so desperate I was keeping Windex around to spray the bastards! Again not very pet friendly. The cat and dog food has to be in closed containers because they get over run by the sea of black. The birds room has been an issue because I cant do much there, they need to eat. I wish I knew where they were coming from to try to stop them. I no sooner get one trail gone then 3-4 days later another one shows up. A constant and frustrating battle to say the least. If I would have my way, I would call Vexcon and the coolest exterminator I know of....

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Seek and Destroy

OK, I admit I haven't written on this blog as much as I really wanted to. The move to Oxnard has been tough, as I am still living out of boxes. With both of us working and odd schedules we do what we can when we can. To top it off the dog has gone psycho. In the condo he was mild mannered and nothing was torn up. Well bring him to a new house with a big backyard and all hell breaks loose! We had screens installed and each day I come home to more of this....
and this...
and this...
all done by this...
and Yes, he does know it is wrong! Why you might ask- because I have been screaming like a banshee at him. Brand new frickin screens and he as torn them to shreds... UGH! He now has to be tethered to a tree and is unable to reach the house. I hate doing it, but I cannot afford to redo screens every week because he is pissed he cant get into the house! It started when we had no screens, he jumped thru the bathroom window and our bedroom window. After the screens came, he didn't let that stop him! The picture with the worst damage was done in 3 hours while we went out on a Sunday afternoon to listen to Champagne Sunday! Are we having fun yet?

Friday, June 11, 2010

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The "M" word

To whomever is reading this, I have not forgotten about this blog, but rather have not had Internet service due to the "M" word. I think it is a thing that should be outlawed, forbidden or something. This "something" is moving! The older I get the more crap I seem to own and the more exhausted I am for doing it. I am a very organized person. I do not work well in chaos. My life works for me when there is order. Right now my life is in a box. That is the phrase of the week. "Where is (insert your own words)..." My generic response is "In a box". God knows where or when I will find it but I seem to keep finding things that I don't want and should have dumped years ago. The things I need (insert your own words) I haven't got a clue where they are and right now I am too pooped to make a real effort to find them. So I change my underwear and trudge on. I have marks on my arms that may make my new neighbors think that I am a spousal abuse victim, but after seeing my husband and his bruises makes me laugh. What they must think of me!

Each day starts a half hour earlier, as I am not a morning person I must tell you- really SUCKS! but for 3 days last week I got to carpool with my husband. That was rather cool. Each night we pick a couple of things that are on the "must do" list and get them done, right before we fall into bed exhausted. Remember morning comes a half hour earlier. UGH...

I just today got Internet service, but no mailbox key to get the mail. I need to re update my info to show my new address and city. The thought of that makes me want to crawl under the covers and hide! LOL You forget who all has your address until you have to resubmit it all again. I know it will all come in time but there is another aspect of my personality I forgot to mention, I have no patience! I want it all done yesterday...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day?

Today is Mother's Day. When I was a kid this was the best day of the year. My mom and I were best of friends, always there for one another. I would always give my gift way too soon and would use that excuse to give her more. She always gave me more and then some. Now that she is not here, I hate this day and cannot wait for it to be over. I know it is selfish, but today reminds me of what I miss. I miss my her. During my teenage years, I swore I would never be like my mom but now I know I am my mother and I carry on her legacy and that's pretty OK with me.

I haven't carried a child inside my body or labored to push one out into the world. Its not that I don't like kids, but I don't think I really have the patience for them. Does that make me a bad person. I don't think so, a responsible one eh maybe. I do have patience for the lost souls that others do not want or have recklessly discarded. The zoo which I lovingly call it, consists of fish, birds, bearded dragons, turtles, ferrets, cats and a dog. They rely on me to care for them, protect them and guard them from harm. In their eyes I am their parent. I do what is best for them, love them unconditionally and let them carve out a piece of my heart. Am I a Mom? You betcha. Do I deserve to celebrate this day. Some would say no, but I would have to ask the zoo, they say "Mother's Day?" Every day with her is Mother's Day. I love you critters...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I fell in Love on a Saturday Morning...

I am not person who "loves" everything. I am jaded and pragmatic and the older I get, the more cranky and inpatient I have become. But there is one area in my life that I seem to open my heart and flourish. Animals. I am an avid animal person. I hate the thought of people treating animals like they are possessions to be disposed of when times are tough or they don't fit into your lifestyle. Most of my "zoo" which I like to call it is full of pets that others did not want. They have a home with me for as long as their lifespan or as long as I can still afford to keep them all. I am in the middle of getting ready to move and my house is figuratively in disarray but the critters will all go with us when we move.

Saturday we headed to the Doo Dah Parade (more on that in another post). The person sitting next to us had a beautiful dog named Daisy. I had planned on just saying hi and letting it go, but this adorable dog was there for a reason. She was 3 years old and had recently been adopted by this man 10 weeks ago after being shuttled through 7 homes. Oh yeah did I say SEVEN homes! She had been abused and her ACL in her knee was out and she would need surgery. One look into her brown eyes and I was a goner. The man was trying to introduce her to new sights and sounds. She was scared and unpredictable. The street vendor who was selling hats and horns tried to pet her and she didn't like him. The owner said she didn't like men much. She loved Brendan and I. She could smell our rescue dog Sam (again another post) and I would hold my palm out so she could lick my hand. That seemed to calm her down. There were kids and clowns and basset hounds and wiener dogs. She would shake in fear and anticipation, but she was very well behaved.

Had the owner offered to me I would have without a doubt taken her home in a second. My heart was hers on Saturday Morning and when I think of her now my eyes tear up. After the parade, I sat on the curb and whispered sweet nothings to Daisy while the man gathered up his chairs and Daisy's water bowl. I said my last goodbyes and the man thanked us for making Daisy's day at the Parade a less stressed one. She was the one that made my day a less stressed one, by allowing my heart to open and have her come into my life for a brief time. Thank you Daisy, you will always have a home in my heart. Thank you for reminding me that I do have a heart and I am still capable of love at first sight on a Saturday morning.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Here we go again!

I thought I wanted my ramblings and my dreams to be included in one blog. I have found out that that isn't what I really want. Originally my first blog White Tiger Diva was very exciting. Full of daily rants and odds and ends here and there. Then I had an "aha" moment where I wanted to post my work on the web for all to see. That's when things started to get jumbled.

So time has passed and I have decided to let White Tiger Diva showcase my beaded artwork and the Music Box to showcase - well me! I will post photos of my work both beaded and miscellaneous but also to let this place be where I can release the tunes that rattle around my head. So kids here we go again. I will be posting more than I have in the past and I hopefully will find better mental health for it, but don't count on it! After all, I am well still ME!