Sunday, October 31, 2010

Needing to catch my breath

Well, I see I haven't been missed much. Not one follower. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but I always am. Wanting to be accepted is part of why humans do what they do. I am no different.

Things are pretty much the same old, same old. Go to work, come home, repeat. I keep hoping for a positive change, but so far no such luck. I feel as if I am living my life in reverse. I had the good paying job, vacations and all the things one works a lifetime to achieve. But here I am in my mid 40's with a new house (which I really don't want in a city that I hate) and my poor husband working 3 jobs to pay for it. WTF! What exit did I take to make all this ass backwards, I guess I really want to know.

Just got home from a Halloween get together where I felt I didn't quite belong. When I was young, I wasn't known as the popular one, the smart one or even the athletic one. I was lucky to have one person who would put up with me and call me a friend. My best friend now is my husband, for which I would never in a million years change that. We are two peas in a pod. We have people in our lives that I would call friends, but when we all get together, sometimes this overwhelming feeling comes over me that makes me feel as if I cant breathe. There is this wall that surrounds me and I find myself turning inward in isolation, while the festivities around me continue. I feel as if I am an outsider looking in. I see the looks in my friends eyes of pity and I know I don't belong. I cant wait for the evening to end so that I can regroup and take a breath. The feeling is worse than thinking you are a third wheel. I already know that I AM a third wheel and question why these people want me to join them. I guess I am too straight laced, boring and narrow minded for most. But I continue to try to convince myself that I am just like everyone else that I can fit in. That I am special and have a lot to offer other people. Nights like tonight remind me that I am not special and I don't have much to offer compared to others. Such is the way it goes I gather...... off to bed, work beckons.

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